None ever chooses to be a single parent …. when we make the choice of entering the wonderful yet unknown journey of being a parent, we have our heart full of hopes and ideas of a family, of creating  a loving environment where to share together the beauty (and the challenges) of raising a child … Yet that is not always the case; and it was not mine. I found myself to have to make a choice… Choose to follow my own truth, choose to be true to myself, to go deeper and to discover love … self love at first, in order to then truly love others. This meant letting go of “my family as such”, or of the idea I created of it. This journey has opened up great pain, and great fears. The pain of loss: loss of the man I loved and with whom I had the dream of living my life with, loss of the “family feeling”, which however was just an illusion. I found myself being totally scared of losing the love of my son, because I made the choice of leaving … fear that he would hate me because his dad is not living with us, fear of causing harm to my beloved child because of the difficulties he is going through. It just breaks my heart to hear him say “I would like daddy to live with us” or “I am sad when you are not with papa and me” …. Yet … I follow my choice, I follow the silent voice of my Soul who is telling me to jump, to take the braver choice, the truer one, the one that will lead me deeper within myself, in order to find myself and experience the Magic and full potential of my being.

What would I like to teach my son? To be true to himself, to embrace life challenges and to find the deeper meaning of life; to have an open heart and to act from that place of Love, and not from one of fear….

What is he teaching me? To live at full, to embrace our full potential and to shine. When I look at him, I see great strength, joy, love of live in itself, presence and wanting to fly … this is what (and there is more!!) he is showing me. And for me to follow his teachings, I had to leave … leave this relationship and embark on this adventure.

I worry and I am scared of not giving my son all that he needs, just to realize that all of his needs, need not be fulfilled by me, and lie not in “material” needs. I remember then that I am also here to help him fulfill his Spiritual needs, and I need to nourish and cherish his Soul and not his developing Ego …

I am scared of not “doing enough” for him … forgetting – but then remembering – that it doesn’t matter what I do for him, it matters who I am … I could be doing anything – from painting to walking to cooking – it doesn’t matter; what matters is my presence and the Space I hold for him. Sometimes I want to “do more” and find lots of things to do, but then, I AM just with HIM, I follow the flow, I don’t have expectations, and the Magic happens … we laugh, we look in each other’s eyes, and he has his Space to BE himself.

One of the most difficult experiences for me has been that of being with him in his worst moments of emotional outburst; it was, and is, so sore to see him cry, shout, despair, because of all that he is going through. Yet that is one of the biggest gifts for me; to be there with him, hold him while he goes through his most difficult moments, be with him and allow him to get in touch with his own darkness, so that his light can shine even stronger. I realized that the moments of great suffering, not only those of joy, bring depth of connection and show our vulnerabilitv, which is the doorway to opening our heart….

A few days ago, my son told me “mama, you are a teacher of Love and Magic” …

Thanks for reading and sharing this with me…